I’ve been staring at this empty blog page for about an hour…
I know I want to write but I just don’t know what I want to say. I guess I’ve fallen out of the habit of pouring my heart out on to my little blog- which is okay, I don’t want this blog to be a place where I very rarely post anything and then when I do it’s a whingy little blog…
So I find out about the job tomorrow.
I’m trying not to over analyse and to be honest- I have no idea what the outcome will be tomorrow and therefore people are telling me not to worry about it because I can’t change anything now- the interview’s done- and whatever the result is I have to live with that, so why bother worrying until I know and even why bother worrying when I do know.
It’s not as simple as that.
I don’t often talk about work on my blog and while I’m not going to go into the ins and outs of it all tonight- I’ve never known me be so willing to throw myself completely out of my comfort zone for something like I have with this. I feel like it’s made me really grow as a person- being responsible for the welfare of 10 people 5 days a week is a lot of work but it can be so worthwhile.
I’m just scared that, as of 11am tomorrow, I might lose all of that.
Ok- it’s not like, if I don’t get it, I’m getting chucked back on the phone tomorrow but I will know that it’s coming to an end. And okay- it’s not a permanent thing, nothing is, but with the amount of people they’re hiring and the amount of people starting to do manager progression stuff at work- I wonder when my next opportunity will come about.
I’ve been saying for the past couple of days that I couldn’t have done anymore on Tuesday so whatever comes about tomorrow is Ok because I know it’s not down to me not being prepared but I think I’m lying to myself because, when you put that much effort into something, it makes you want it even more.
This week has just been a funny old week with lots of stuff going on and I don’t quite know how i feel about all of it. Maybe I am over reacting by worrying but I wish people would stay ‘stop worrying, there’s no point’ it’s not like I come up to you and say ‘stop being so chilled out, there’s no point.’ It’s no different to me, I’m a worrier- it’s how I process things- I like to analyse what I’ve done and what other people have done- it’s how I learn and grow. I’m working very hard to really let the things go that I can’t control and simply focus on the things that I can but it’s a journey for me and it’s not going to happen overnight. If chilled out people want to be all hippy and relaxed about everything then brilliant, do that because it’s your thing but it’s not my thing and I’m really starting to get tired of people making me feel bad for trying to process my own thoughts in my own way.
Deep breaths- it’s out. It’s been a while since I’ve ranted and whether I’ll actually press publish (if you’re reading this I think it’s safe to assume I did…) because I think I just needed to get it all out of my head.
To be honest, I think it’s just one of those weeks where I need my mum but she’s busy making a lemon drizzle cake that I can’t have because it’s 60 miles away, damn you lemony goodness!
I’ve not had an oven for 5 weeks so I can’t even make one myself…
Don’t rent if you don’t have to kids! I’m not really too bothered about the whole ‘dead money’ thing, at the end of the day I have a roof over my head, but having to rely on a flipping landlord when things go tits up…
The struggle in my life is real… #firstworldproblems
So yes- not that my entire destiny will be influenced by this but if you’re lucky enough to have fingers and toes maybe you could cross them for me tomorrow morning?
And, as a side note, I know I’m very late to this but…